So I want to tell my story in a nutshell. I don’t find it interesting, and there are many convert stories that are so much more powerful and more beautiful than mine, but converting is one of the most reflecting, beautiful and great things there are, in any sort of way.
First I want to tell you how grateful I am that Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala has shown me the way. He is the Guider. Not only I feel blessed that He had chosen me, for His path, but I also feel more blessed than muslims that are born with religion. Why? Well especially in Europe countries muslim youth are dealing with a lot of struggling in this dunya. They are trying to stay on the right path in every way.. they fall down and they get up again. Some make it, some don’t. Allahu a’lem. I myself, haven’t struggled like they have. I just lived in this dunya as if it was mine, enjoying the time here without thinking about any consequence. When I converted to Islam all my sins were forgiven. I just realised how great this blessing is, and how little people get this blessing! Sheikh Yusuf Estes called the convert process a butterfly rebirth. I love that metaphore.
Second of all I want to make clear that I don’t like people judging convert stories. This is not something personal, or what I have experienced but what I saw with other convert sisters. Their stories were appearently a way for other muslims to judge if they are ‘real’ muslims or not. You always have to remember we have no idea what is in the hearts of each other, and that ALLAH has a plan for all of us. The way the girl or the boy is lead to Islam, is a way that Allah has chosen to guide the person. Remember this before you are judging ANY convert.
Okay so now about me,
I was born in Holland, and raised as an Atheïst. I just took what my parents said for the truth and they said religion was a brainwashing thing. Religion made this world bad. Religion was stupid. I was little so not really aware and just a child but because of my education I could never understand why my grandmother was so focussed on religion. She prayed every dinner, before it and after it. All that I did was being disrespectful and made fun of her. We laughed when we had to be silence for her.. we laughed about her prayers and so on.
I regret that now because I never realised what religion meant for her. She is a Christian by the way. It was only till later that I found out why she was like this. My grandmother had to deal with much hardships throughout her life. Her husband died really young in the same year that one of her sons died at the age of 8. She experienced World War 2. She had to run in 1953 with the waterflood in Holland, where family of her died. She almost lost every single person in her family at a young age and was left with her two sons. Before all of this happened she wasn’t even religious, but religion gave her more peace, more strength, it made her a strong woman. It made her accept. Now I still don’t understand how my mother and father don’t understand this.
Anyways, back to my story,
So I grew up not very stabile. My parents got divorced twice, and we had to move from there to there, from mom to dad and so on. In total I have seen 9 different houses where I had to adjust again. After that a lot has happened at our house and at the age of 12 I started to ‘pray’ to a God. Out of the blue. As I think about it now, I find it weird that I did it, but I do believe it is the natural knowing that there is one God.
I lost sight of this by the way, sometimes I thought about God, but I didnt really believe in the devil, or hell or paradise. I was stilling being the tough girl who knows it all, making fun of religion. Eventhough a lot had happened at our home I hadn’t learned a bit from it! I went on with my life like there was no end, I sinned, I had fun I thought.. I didn’t think about anything. I had no purpose.
Until someone pointed me on this fact. What is your purpose in life? Why do you drink alcohol? What is the point of it? Why are you still so fragile while you experienced much? Have you learned anything from it? Do you have any important purpose in life?
Well I absolutely HADN’T. I still regret how I have dealt with things in the past, but khair Insha 'Allah.
So after that someone handed me a little book called: The true faith. It showed why Islam was the truth, and other religions weren’t. I wanted to believe it so bad, because I felt it was the truth. In the book there was stated: La ilaha ilalah. I said it out loud. I tried to believe it. And I did but I had to work on my connection with Allah, because the whole concept of one God and one God only, and living for Him was kind of new for me. I really had to embrace it fully, before I could change myself.
After that the whole proces of converting came. My clothes changed, I didn’t want to eat pork. I stopped drinking alcohol, I stopped going out.
Of course my parents got frustrated asking me why? Constantly. I told them I was done eating pork and assumed it would be enough to make clear what was going on. Well it was clear, and my mother was very open minded but told me she wasn’t interested and she didn’t want to learn anything about it. I felt quite alone because I still cannot understand how you can not be interested in that what leads the life of your daughter, but I have already experienced that Islam is something no one in my surrounding is interested in, and they don’t care about it, they don’t want to learn about it, because it is not ‘their’ thing.
My father was a whole other story. I told you about my grandmothers past.. well as what counts for her counts for him. He lost his father and brother at a very young age and he and his mother took care for each other. It hardened him. It made him think in a way that was good for him, and that was the only way. At one point he had threw all my Islamic books away .
I couldn’t understand him of course but at a certain point we started to get in a ‘fight’ about Islam and I realised the only thing he was scared of was of losing me. Losing his daughter, or get his daughter hurt. Till the day of today he doesn’t accept it, but he also doesn’t argue anymore. He is even able to make a joke about it now and then. Last Ramadan I joined, and sometimes I had to eat at home on my own, and I think that month made very clear to him that I would keep strong in my opinions. Alhamdoulilah, this was actually the first time I really stood up for myself and my believes, and in sha Allah I will be able to continue being like this.
There is still a little bit of hope that someone in my family will convert, but it’s really hard to make a person that doesn’t believe in anything and is not open for anything believe in a God we call Allah. They watch tv, and the papers and they do not see through the media.. But who knows. Like I ever thought I would convert? Never.. Islam was far away from me!
Well that was my story in a ‘nutshell’. As a convert you walk into a lot, and constantly there are things on your mind. You try to be okay, but you always worry about the people around you. You don’t want to lose anyone and you love them, but on the other side you don’t like them at all because they judge you the hardest and keep you from something you love.
Also I want to add that in my life I have really experienced the: Have Sabr, Allah is the best of planners thing. Everything has lead to this one point where I realise that everything I have done, everything that has been done, everything that has been.. lead to this point. It made me. It made my identity, my beliefs, my personality. It made me into the person I am today.
Another thing I want to add is that I live with my father and I could never hate him for being ignorant. I don’t know one father that has done so much for his children as him, and I could never make up for that. He is the best person, but he is stubborn and not-knowing. So I hope one day that Allah will lead him. I will pray for it insha'Allah.
Oh Allah, my Rabb, my Lord, my Guider. Guide my family to Your path, and keep me and my brothers and sisters on the straight path. I’ll strive for perfection, but keep me strong and patience in my way to it. Forgive me my sins, before and after my convertion, and make me a better person than I would be right now. Because Allah, you are the only one I need to please, make me strong in it!
As written in http://myinspirationalblog.tumblr.com/
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